The First Fifteen Minutes by Jay Hewlin

Author:Jay Hewlin [Hewlin, Jay]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781412232753
Publisher: Trafford Publishing
Published: 2005-03-10T00:00:00+00:00

Principle # IV

Open your ears before you open your heart.

… be swift to hear, slow to speak …

James 1:19

We’ve already learned that to ZONE effectively, you must: 1) Know your defining qualities; and 2) Commit fully to finding a marriage partner who values those qualities (i.e., a person in your GREEN ZONE).

The ability to identify people in your GREEN ZONE lies in your ability to do three things: 1) Steer conversations toward subject matters related to your values; 2) Ask the right questions; and 3) Listen carefully.

Naturally, you don’t want someone to feel as though they are being interrogated during a date, but there is an artful way of eliciting information you want. Examples of this methodology are demonstrated during my First 15 Minute seminars, but the pattern is worth discussing here.

Jeff’s conversation with Marva (see Principle #3) is one example of how to find out where someone stands on a particular issue. In that scenario, Jeff simply described his passion for helping people, and instead of receiving enthusiasm from Marva, he saw that she appeared uninterested. Marva’s response, or lack thereof, was Jeff’s first warning signal. After he observed Marva’s lack of enthusiasm, Jeff then asked Marva if she was involved in any community work. Marva’s response sealed her fate with Jeff.

Jeff did all three steps with little effort. He steered the conversation toward a matter of concern to him. He then asked Marva a direct question. Finally, Marva’s sincere but disappointing response to his question told him what he needed to know. It’s worth noting that Marva’s response was disappointing to Jeff because of his value system. That does not make Marva a bad person, nor does it make Jeff a better person than Marva. Although the two of them did not agree on that issue, there are plenty of men that would get along just fine with Marva, and there are plenty of women who would appreciate Jeff’s passion for community work.

We see in Jeff’s conversation with Marva that the pattern is to talk briefly about you and then get the other person to share something about him or herself on the same topic; preferably in greater detail than you do. This may happen naturally once you open up, or you may have to ask questions, like Jeff did with Marva. The idea is that by talking about yourself first, you show a degree of vulnerability that tends to make others more comfortable sharing their thoughts and ideas.

Engaging people in conversation topics that will allow you to listen to their thoughts on issues of importance to you is vital (no lengthy small talk). A starting point can be a newspaper article or something you saw on television, or the internet. Other examples might be activities from your week such as participating in a political campaign, taking a particular class, or reading a certain book. Listen with discerning ears. Listen for what’s coming from his or her heart, as opposed to just the words of his or her mouth.

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